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12:12am 29/12/2007 |
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fun things to do on a friday night:
hang out with a good friend & her fiance
go hear a friend's band play in a storage building
be deaf for an hour
drive to wal*mart just to pee
hang out with a bunch of friends in some guy's garage
realizing that guy is a huge kiss fan
sammich ourselves into jason's truck to go to taco bell and get horrendously gross food
watch an old friend from junior high get drunk, talk about his gay sister, talk about how he thinks butts are gross, talk about how music and boobies are the only things that have ever given him a boner, tell everyone he's gay on the inside and ponder over having just "kicked down the door of [his] own fucking closet" and tell me he had a crush on me in the 8th grade (awwwww).
tonight was awesome.
<3mood:  happy |
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| ^.^ |
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12:00am 26/12/2007 |
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So I got this book for Christmas. And it's pretty awesome, even though it's written by a super Christian.
I read the first part of it today, and I feel sort of moved. I don't think a book has ever moved me before. In any case, it's got me to thinking, and I'm excited.
I can't remember the last time I allowed myself to dream.
Maybe that's been my problem. I've been too afraid of failure to really admit to myself that I want the world.
And why can't I have it?
Haha.
One world, coming up.
<3mood:  refreshed |
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| (no subject) |
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02:35am 17/12/2007 |
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I know, without a doubt, that I am going to be okay.
I just have to grit my teeth and get through these moments of pain.
Earlier, I looked in a mirror and realized that, with all the being down on myself over the years.... I wouldn't trade myself for anybody else. I'm truly comfortable. I'm pretty confident. I could be in much better physical shape, but... I'm beautiful. And I don't have to settle for anything.
I talked to Ben, and my heart just breaks for him when he's sad. And that's the only way I can describe it--sad. And I can truly identify with that hopeless feeling in a way, because I've felt that way, too. Once upon a time, I felt that way. And over the last couple of months, it's been creeping back up on me. I realized that, one morning walking to Roberts Hall, and it was like being sixteen all over again.
The thing is, nobody believes me. Nobody believes that, most days, I have to wake up, get my bearings, and force that sadness down. What am I sad about? Nothing. It's just there. And maybe it'll always be there. But maybe, someday, I won't notice it. Until then, I'll just fight it down. And that usually works. I usually have good days. I am truly happy, most days. And when I was with Ben, the days I got to wake up to my best friend, those days... I didn't have to fight the sadness down. But he couldn't fight his sadness down, and I wasn't enough to make him happy.
And I know that.... it's not my fault. I could have been supermodel gorgeous and Jenna Jameson in bed, and I still couldn't have made him happy.
I truly wish him the best and will continue to support him as best I can, for as long as I can, as his friend.
And I'll be okay, even when he finds that new girlfriend.
I'm going to be okay.
<3 mood:  thoughtful |
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09:17am 15/12/2007 |
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This morning was one of those mornings where I didn't want to get out of bed. You know, the mornings you wake up and everything's real and you just want to go back to sleep, because the dream was so much better than reality. I lay there for awhile thinking, and then I just went into the bathroom and threw up.
I talked to Ben last night, and was a little harsh about this whole Sarah thing--he's been trying to get her to meet up with him so he can maybe possibly somehow get some closure on their breakup, and then he can get over her. Later, I felt bad about being so harsh, but... I guess I'm starting to see things I never could see or wanted to see when we were together.
...I don't think I ever had his whole heart. And it hurts to say that, because I gave him mine... and I'd like to think that I could be enough to drive any thoughts of some old girlfriend from his mind. What could I have done to help him really get over her? ....I don't know. I could have been the best girl in the world, and he still may not have forgotten. Why does it work like that? She treated him, ultimately, pretty badly, as far as relationships go. Not to point fingers and call her a bad person, I don't know the girl. But she left him, dangling by a string, thinking she would come back like she did before. I mean........
And still, I'd rather have him back than anything I can think of.
I love him. And what can I do about it?
Nothing.
Heh.mood:  discontent |
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| "I've had to deliver death notices on Christmas day..." |
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06:14pm 14/12/2007 |
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So I got a ticket today.
Got this long speech about how driving too fast gets people killed, and how "this is a bad time of year to be getting a ticket, I know, but it's a worse time of year to hear that your mother or brother just died."
:\
Made me feel bad.
Anyway, so now I have to call and find out about driving school, and find out whether driving school will wipe my record or whether there will be complications because of my driver's license being in Tennessee.
mood:  blah |
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| graaaaaaaaaaah. |
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09:07am 07/12/2007 |
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I'm just grinding my teeth to keep from thinking. I don't know whether to be frustrated or what. I'm going to take another short nap. I didn't sleep AT ALL last night. mood:  angry |
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| Hi, I like to sit in my car applying eyeliner. |
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11:17am 05/12/2007 |
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So today, I left my history exam and climbed into my car. I was exhausted and feeling kinda strange because I miss the hell out of Ben and I hadn't had anything to eat but had guzzled down a NOS. You know the feeling. Like your feet are heavy but your face wants to float away. Anyway, I climbed in my car and looked at the car across from mine, and there was this goth girl that was in my class. And she has this giant pink streak in her hair and tons of face metal. And she was sitting in her car with the whole Revlon collection scattered across her dashboard, and she was applying horrendous amounts of eyeliner. And I thought, you know, if it takes that much work to be "original", fuck everybody. Seriously. We're in college now anyway. Which is awesome. Did I mention that I have a new love for being 20? Now I can say things like "When I was a teenager..." and get away with it. Newfound love for making fun of high school kids. Because they seem so young and pimply. I'm just putting off studying for sociology. |
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| (no subject) |
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06:59am 04/12/2007 |
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I hate waking up. I'm trying to be as mature as I can about this whole thing; there's still seems to be some indefinite amount of time I need to suffer. It really makes no sense at all. Last night I was able to distract myself. This morning I don't even want to. My eyes hurt and my stomach is turning. And all this time I'm asking myself whether I really want Ben in my life or I'm just sick because I'm so used to him being there... And I'm afraid the answer won't really matter at all. |
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| (no subject) |
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09:04pm 02/12/2007 |
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while I still have this gaping-hole-in-my-stomach feeling, I can't seem to cry anymore.
this is good, but it's also bad. it's almost as though I've matured overnight; I see everything I wish I'd done differently but felt I had time to fix.
I'd have understood, put myself in his shoes to realize it's not always as easy as it seems from my point of view.
I would have held him when he was sad, instead of getting annoyed...
I would have supported instead of criticized. D&D isn't that big a deal... and Sarah shouldn't be, either.
I would have asked him to dance.
but mostly I just want to be there for him and tell him he's my best friend and that I love him, and that he can conquer anything he wants to! because he's amazing. I want to stand by him and support him no matter what...
all these things I want to do and say, but I know that my chance to do or say them is little, probably none.mood:  crushed |
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| Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy? Please. |
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01:51pm 18/07/2007 |
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One thing that gets me down is seriously crazy fanfiction. I mean, what's up with fanfiction anyway? I love Harry Potter, but his world is JK Rowling's domain. I'm all for creativity, but create something of your own. And stop making Harry and Malfoy have sex, seriously. Geez. mood:  tired |
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| I love you all. |
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08:00pm 10/07/2007 |
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I made a 57 on a midterm that I studied my ass off for. I have a low C in that class. And the more I study, the lower grades I make. I don't know what to ask. I went to my instructor and said, "I'm just having problems grasping these concepts...." He asked which ones, and I said the proofs. He said they just take practice. I'm too behind. And once I got behind, I got confused. I don't know which end is up in 3-dimensional integration. I don't know what to expect on his tests. I don't know what he expects from me as a student. The summer semester is moving too fast, and I don't understand. I need to understand, if I'm going to be an aerospace engineer. I need to understand, but I don't. I want a different instructor. I want a straight-forward instructor. I want to know where to turn. My mother wants me to go to the vice president of student affairs. I told her that wouldn't help, she said I was just making excuses. I need to drop the class so it won't ruin my GPA. I need to drop it because my scholarships are riding on my GPA. I need to drop it because I need to be able to Co-op. But it cost $3,000 for me to be here this summer. According to my parents, this class costs $1500. According to my parents, I'm wasting $1500. And the disappointment and anger in their voices is nothing compared to what I feel. And for the first time, really... I'm thinking that death... really is an option. mood: numb |
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| Sure thing, yo. |
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08:54pm 01/07/2007 |
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I have been trying to program, and I am failing. There is nothing I can do to this damn computer to make it think logically. There is nothing logical about programming that I can see. Nor is there anything I can do about Calculus, because even hours upon hours of studying won't earn me the grades I need. I'm exhausted, mentally, and by the weird things things that keep happening to not really endanger my health, but to make me abnormal, weird, whatever you'd like to call it. And I'm sick of it, friends. College wins. I can't fucking do it. And I won't sit around Vanntown forever. I got the notion last week that maybe I'm dying. God, I hope so. mood: indifferent |
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| July 2008 |
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fallonthecity's journal
distressed
anxious